In my city of birth, Ostrowiec

Konrad Elkana Charmatz
Nightmares: Memoirs of the Years of Horror Under Nazi Rule in Europe, 1939-1945
Translated from the Yiddish "Koshmarn"
by Miriam Dashkin Beckerman
published by the Concordia University Chair in Canadian Jewish Studies

CHAPTER 83

In my city of birth, Ostrowiec

With a throbbing heart, I ride to the city of my birth, Ostrowiec, where I once spent my entire youth, the loveliest years of my life. Here, I started to envision a future life, to weave dreams with the belief and hope of a better world. This is where I was when the war broke out, to be near my mother. I knew nearly everyone in this shtetl. Here, I had a family, near and distant relatives, numbering a few hundred, besides a number of friends and acquaintances. Here, I knew every stone and tree. I was even friendly with the Polish neighbours. Although I already knew about the great destruction, and that I would not find anyone there of my close ones, I still felt nostalgia for my old home, the street, the house where my cradle once stood.

We pass by stations of very familiar cities: Kielce, Skarzysko, Wierzbnick, Kunov. Everywhere, I once had relatives and friends. I knew the communities very well. I knew the institutions and the activists. I also knew the traditional firms, the wealthy of the shtetlach, small towns, those who inherited large fortunes from their parents and were themselves prepared to leave large inheritances for their children. Now, it has all turned to dust and ashes. The sound of the locomotive lulls me to sleep. With my eyes shut, pictures spin in my mind, scenes and people from the past. Like a film unwinding, the colourful magical scenes of those years stretch before me. I see the first beginners' teacher, Reb Mordecai Lifschitz, when the assistant teacher brought me to class on the first day. I did not see any eyes nor face, but a wild beard and sidecurls. I listened to the sound of the words which the other children were repeating after the rebbe, and looked at everything around me with so much anticipation. I recall the shining eyes of my mother and father, when the assistant brought me back home in the evening. I also recalled the Hebrew Bible stories to which I would listen in cheder in the winter evenings, stories from the Book of Genesis, when my fantasy would take off playfully upon hearing the colourful Biblical legends. I also remind myself of my teachers: Pinyele--the best; Ezrl--the quiet one; Myer Pentzik and the Gemara teachers, Leibish, son of Yashe and Reb Gershon Henech. I remind myself also of my Hebrew language teachers and of my yeshiva days and the shtibl atmosphere; the patriarchal personalities, Torah authorities, all of which I guarded in my memory with great piety and respect. I also recall the Ostrowiec famous brilliant Gaon, Rebbe Maier Yechiel Halevi Halstock, of blessed memory, an ascetic and a great genius, who tortured his body and fasted for forty years. I often spent time in his study house, looked into some of his sacred books, and more than once, by chance, sat in on the religious court sessions where he and Shimele, the beadle and a third person would discuss religious cases. Such scenes replayed themselves in my mind tens of times during the night. The rebbe did not sleep. He was restless in bed in his silk caftan and fur. Probably, something was on his mind, so immediately a religious court of three Jews had to gather to pray so that the bad thoughts in his dreams and all evil influences should be dispelled. On one such occasion, I was sitting in his study house, looking into a sacred text. The beadle had gone out. Suddenly, the door of the rebbe's room opened and he appeared in the doorway, with his sharp eyes that shone out of their deep sockets, and his beard and earlocks. When he saw me he asked:

"Are you alone, young fellow?" Come into my room. You'll stay with me until Shimeleh will come."

I trembled from fear and respect. I went in, sat down on the edge of a stool and the rebbe went back to bed in his clothes and dozed off. I do not know how long I sat there, because every minute was like a year. Every stroke of the Hebrew-handed clock resounded in my mind. It seemed to me as though the rebbe was arguing with the angels which ascend and descend, coursing around his head until Shimeleh, the beadle, returned and used me for a third party in the process of getting rid of the spirits that were plaguing the rebbe through dreams.

Now, listening to the clatter of the train wheels, all the scenes came alive in my memory and stretch in front of my closed eyes. Hundreds of events which I had long ago forgotten, sprung in my mind: hundreds of people and types, who tried to remind me of incidents in my youth, drawing them out of my past. A sharp whistle of a locomotive woke me up from my state. I opened my eyes and saw that the day has gone and night had spread its dark wings over the area. I pressed my face against the cold window and looked out, seeing in the light of the lit-up windows the forests and fields through which the train was cutting its way. These were very familiar landscapes to me, which were engraved in my mind. We were getting close to Ostrowiec. I recognized the forests which recalled my young days. I would often spend summer days there on outings. My heart starts to pound, as though I was about to meet relatives and friends whom I have not seen for many years.

Finally, I find myself at the station. The conductor calls out: "Ostrowiec Comyeni!" It is the same red brick building, the same porters, but the people are different than those I used to meet here. They are all cold, strange faces. I look around, searching for my wagoner of former days, Yosl Kobaleh, who used to grab my suitcase from me as soon as he saw me arriving, but Yosl Kobaleh is nowhere to be seen, nor Maneleh, another wagoner. There is no Chiyel-Azeh. None of them are here.

The droshkies (wagons) are there, but the wagoners are others, unfamiliar ones who do not even know me. My world is no longer here. It has vanished together with the people, with the learned ones and the wagoners, together with the refined youth and hard-working Jews, the wealthy ones and the poor. So, who was I looking for here and whom should I approach? The people sitting with me in the droshky are also complete strangers. They look at me strangely, suspiciously, because they can tell from my face that something strange is transpiring in my mind. I do not want to, nor am I able to talk to anyone. My heart is pressed, full of pain, and I do not want to unfold it to anyone. I ask to be taken to a hotel where I register for a room, and sink down like dead. I do not want to open my eyes because I do not want to face reality, to see what has become of all my hopes and dreams. I fell asleep quickly, but soon woke up, covered with sweat, because nightmares were plaguing me. I dreamt that Polish neighbours are chasing me, wanting to grab me and take me to Auschwitz. I run away, wanting to hide myself in the Kinever forest, but I get tripped and fall down; tens of hands stretch out to me with axes and knives. I start to shout and wake up.

Outside, it had started to dawn. I am not able to sleep any more, lest the nightmares start over. I shower, dress and go out. The first thing I want to do is visit my father's, of blessed memory, grave. His grave was right beside the one of the Ostrowiec Rebbe, of blessed memory. It did not take me long to find the cemetery because it had "invaded" the city. Whole streets had been swept away. The walls of the cemetery had also been destroyed, so that the whole city was one large cemetery. There is no longer a border between the living and the dead because everything is dead. The cemetery morgue is also destroyed, as though heavy battles had taken place here, but no battles took place here. The Poles had taken apart the Jewish houses, looking for hidden treasures. A rumour started to circulate in the city that the Jews had hidden large fortunes inside the walls of their homes, so the houses were wrecked in search of these treasures. The Ohel (monument) of the Ostrowiec Rebbe, Reb Meir Yechiel Halevi, of blessed memory, is also destroyed. His gravestone lay on the ground broken into pieces. The gravestone of my father, of blessed memory, was whole. The vandals, though, had torn out the marble plate. Many gravestones lay broken and cows were grazing amongst the graves. Upon this sight, I sat down on the stone of my father's grave and cried bitterly. I cried my heart out. The Nazis dragged my mother off to Treblinka. Her ashes are probably scattered over uncared fields. May her memory be a blessing, but even the dead are not allowed to rest in peace. This is what our "loving" neighbours did. The gravestones were broken and the graves profaned. No doubt, the field will soon be ploughed under because of urbanization with the aim of wiping away all traces of the once great Jewish centre. What will happen then to the graves of our near and dear ones? I do not know how long I sat there at my father's grave, because the sound of voices startled me. When I looked around, frightened, I saw a few Jews near me. They recognized me, and got me up from the gravestone. They told me that approximately 80 Jews had returned to Ostrowiec from various camps and from their hiding places in the forests, but the majority left here or are preparing to leave. A short while ago, they told me, a house where a few saved Jews were living, was crashed into and three of them were killed. A note was left behind saying that, "If you will not leave here promptly, you will all be murdered." The three Jews were buried in the cemetery and monuments erected. The following day the tombstones were found smashed and the graves disgraced.

I was led into the locality where the remaining Jews gather. This was in the "Warshavsky Hotel," a small Jewish hotel on the "Teumah Hill" in front of the church. Here I met a few lonely people, sole ones remaining from large families. These were not human beings in the normal sense of the word. They were wrecks. Their eyes reflected bitterness, disappointment and despair. When they heard that I had come from Paris, they pressed close to me to question me about the situation of the refugees there and how they can emigrate. As I looked at these people, I thought more than once to myself: What was the point of struggling so hard to stay alive? It was not only Hitler who wanted to liquidate us. The whole world helped him and is still helping him to destroy Jewry completely.

***

The following day, I went to see how matters stood in connection with my inheritance. What I found was a brick two-story building which had belonged to my parents, and a whole courtyard area that stretched for three streets from my grandfathers property. These were wooden houses and some also of brick. In the midst of the area was a garden with fruit trees and flowers. My grandfather, Avraham Leibish Waxman, of blessed memory, was once a man of property. He once had an estate in Chmielev, near Ostrowiec, and a mill too. Since that time, he had a love of nature of his own fruit trees and fruit. Later, he bought the property in Ostrowiec, and the first thing he did was to have the garden planted. There, we used to enjoy our free time. Near the garden, my father built his house. We also had many Christian neighbours. We got along very well with them and used to play with their children. One of our neighbours was called Leshkowitz. He was a livestock slaughterer who spoke a very good Yiddish which he learnt from his Jewish neighbours. When I went to see what happened to my inheritance, I happened to chance upon this Leshkowitz on Shener Street. He immediately recognized me and greeted me with these words:

"Take a look! Take a look! You're still alive!?"

My heart received a blow and tears started to stream from my eyes. A neighbour and a so-called friend of so many years, whom my grandfather had helped a lot, and with whom we had lived as a good neighbour; someone who knew what a large family we were, which embraced around 200 people, upon seeing that one of them was alive, instead of welcoming him in a friendly manner, and inviting him into his home to honour him with a drink, regrets instead that I did, in fact, survive. He could not stand to see me. Nothing prepared me for such brutality. I merely answered him:

"Yes, you see with your own eyes that I'm still alive and will probably outlive many of my enemies."

I wiped my eyes and went to see my former home. I met another neighbour living in my mother's house, also a livestock slaughterer. He received me in his kitchen, not allowing me into the salon, but through an opening in the door I saw our green sofa and the large, massive sideboard. I also saw our drapes and our other things on the balcony. On the other side of the premises, on the balcony, near the kitchen, was our glassed-in porch. Here stood containers, probably with cabbage, and sacks of potatoes. I was dying to go into the room that served as my writing room. That was where I had once written my poems and stories, sitting during winter evenings near the stove, but he did not open the door. Not waiting until I would ask him something, he finished with me, saying that he had been given the premises by the magistrate, and that he must not deal with me at all in this regard, but that I have to direct my inquiries to the officials. He eyed me with a pair of murderous eyes, shoving me towards the door. I went out, feeling as though someone had poured a pail of cold water on me. He immediately locked the door behind me, as though he was afraid that I might return. I went away from there embittered, disappointed, and a wreck.

My grandfather's houses were also taken away, and even the garden was destroyed. Even the acacia tree, which I loved so much, and from which I would remove branches each year for our succah, was chopped down. No sign of it remained. I felt physically and mentally crushed, insulted and spat upon. It was only then that I understood our great tragedy and destruction, that it was not only the Germans, the Nazis, who destroyed and rooted us out, but also the other nations who helped them actively such as the Poles, Lithuanians, Ukrainians, Russians, Hungarians, Rumanians and others who helped them actively and participated in the murders; and also those who stood by and watched indifferently, closed their borders, and in no way helped the defenseless people in their desperate situation.

I wandered around in the city like a madman, a lost soul, and could not stop crying. I was physically and mentally broken. I looked into many Jewish homes and stores where, at one time, I met so many friends and acquaintances, precious faces and friendly looks, but I no longer meet there any of the former owners. I look into the yards, and scenes of the Jewish children who once played there flash before my eyes, the Shloimelech, and Peselechs, the Hershelech and Dvorelech, but they have disappeared. I remind myself of the long caravans and transports, the executions, the gas chambers and crematoriums where I met them when they were being led to their death. The Nazis and their partners thought up thousands of ways of death for their victims. Their houses, their residences and their stores were taken over by strangers who took possession of the whole Jewish fortune, the sweat and toil of generations. They stole it all, and now they parade around in the clothing of the Jews, Jewish underwear, Jewish jewelry, everything the Jews owned. Whenever one of the victims of those they helped murder and liquidate, but whose fate was to survive and live, reappeared, they consider him an enemy, an intruder, an evil spirit who has come to disturb their peace. They are ready to kill him, just as happened to so many victims.

The large market square, like a large container, was alive with Jewish stores. The only non-Jewish store was the pharmacy. Many of the houses are in ruin, ripped apart by the Polish neighbours who sought, in the walls, encased Jewish treasures. That market container does not exist any longer. In its place are holes, cracks and wrecks. Piles of bricks are scattered. The market place is only open twice a week, every Monday and Thursday, but they no longer have the former lustre. No longer are there Jewish buyers or sellers. Some "stalls" still remain, operated by Poles, but the peasants do not enjoy dealing with them because they do not know how to sell. They are sour-faced, unpleasant, without any desire to win over the customer, to show him that he is making a good purchase. They treat him badly, mocking him and threatening him. I look into the tavern of Yosl Hurg, where the peasants used to come to gorge themselves and get drunk and afterwards want to kiss Yosl. Now, gentile bosses took over, with ruddy stout appearances, who, themselves indulge in drinking as they serve there, and afterwards try to rob their patrons, create havoc, and start a fight. The peasants run off, cursing and spitting on the proprietor, recalling fondly their "zhid," Yosek, who was a "pazondi chlop" (decent man).

I look into the store of Chana-Rivka, Miriam Bayleh, Hindele Monesen's and the chazantteh (cantor’s wife); these were businesses that the women ran because the men were not capable, or because they were teachers, and the women were the main breadwinners. All these are no longer here, nowhere to be seen. Wherever one looks, it is as though the earth had swallowed them. The iron handrail area, where Jews always used to gather on Sunday, and in the middle of the week, is also empty. The merchants, brokers, "money changers" and the loaners on interest, the cantors and matchmakers--all are gone. The iron handrail area is empty, nobody visits there anymore. A melancholy hangs over it all, a plaintive cry can be felt. The business of Moishe-Mendl Neihoiz stands locked. The show window is knocked out and boarded up. Moishe-Mendl no longer tells jokes and no longer whispers into the ears of friends. In Dudl Boifeld's drygoods store, one now sees Polish people serving the customers. They have changed the stock of silk and velvet, brocade and other fine goods, for coloured kerchiefs, flashy fabrics. No more gentle talk is heard there. There is noise and clamour.

I walk along this way in pain and with swollen eyes which absorb the whole Jewish tragedy, and the unceasing Jewish sorrow, until I come to the place where once stood the old Jewish synagogue and the study houses, but here I find a grassy hill and brush. The grand old synagogue, built in the 16th century, no longer exists. It was one of the most original and noteworthy architectural synagogues. It was a wooden structure, with a round cupola on top of the roof. The ceiling was round, with paintings and quotations of Biblical motifs, from which there hung down heavy brass lamps, with inscriptions of the donors. Legend has it that the painter fell down and was killed. The Holy Ark, where the Torah Scrolls rested, has a work of woodcuts which portrayed birds, flowers and exotic fruits. On the western wall, also decorated with paintings and quotations from the Hebrew Bible, hung the "Seat of Elijah the Prophet." The godfather would sit on it during a traditional circumcision. Amongst the many curtains for the Holy Ark there was also one with a Polish coat-of arms, inherited from an important Polish royal family, in recognition of the Jewish help during the Polish uprising of 1863. On the occasion of important Polish national holidays, when Polish government officials would come to the synagogue, the curtain with the initials P.R, (Polska Republic), would be hung up. Near the synagogue, on the right side, was the old study house with the windows facing the Stara Kanovsky Street. There, prayers went on all day, one quorum after another, and boys would sit at the oak tables engrossed in study. On the left side, the windows faced the river and meadows. There stood the "New House of Study" where Jews in the trades, minor merchants and craftsmen, fine middle class men, prayed. Down a few stairs was the "Little House of Study." where another class used to pray: porters, butchers, bakers and wagoners, people whose workday begins very early. Thousands of Jews gathered at these places for prayers. Now, all that is left are ashes and dust. I sit down on a stone and cry at the destruction. I say prayers of mourning. I was flooded with my own tears and mumbled, which quickly became a cry, in my imagination, the cry of thousands, tens of thousands, which resounded in my mind and in my ears. I shut my eyes and imagined the scenes before Yom Kippur when the synagogue and study houses and prayer houses are filled to overflowing. In the courtyard of the synagogue, thousands of women gathered, in wigs or head-coverings, with tear-filled eyes, holding holiday prayer books in their hands. They awaited the rebbe, The Holy Man (Tzaddik), who comes from his House of Study to the Old Synagogue where he recites the Kol Nidre. A commotion can be heard as the rebbe exits the House of Study, wearing a white linen robe and a prayer shawl. Thousands of Hassidim, similarly dressed, with flowing beards and sidelocks, with radiant eyes, carry the rebbe, so weak, on their hands. The whole Zatilneh Street is full of strong young men, butchers, wagoners, porters, coachmen, horse dealers. They form a pathway through which the rebbe will soon pass, not allowing anyone to break through the line. Here they come, or better still, flutter, storm, these hundreds of Hassidim in white linen robes and prayer shawls, carrying the rebbe in their hands. His eyes are flaming, and his wispy beard sways in the wind. The procession arrives at the synagogue courtyard. Thousands of voices call out:

"Holy rebbe! Righteous holy man! Bring prosperity... Bring salvation... Pray for a good year, redemption for the Jewish people!"

The heavens tremble, the ground shakes and the whole world is moving.

When I awoke, I saw beside me a crowd of people, Poles, who were talking amongst themselves and pointing to me, as though I was crazy. One came closer and asked me:

"You got lonesome for your buznitzeh? (synagogue). The Germans burn it and cleared the place for us. We'll plant a garden here."

Yes, the Germans burnt and destroyed the Jewish synagogue together with the Torah Scrolls and the worshippers. They cleaned the place for the Poles who will plant a garden here. They will make a park from the cemetery too. Polish children will play on the ruins of a destroyed Yiddish world.

***

That very same day, I went away from my home city, Ostrowiec, broken-hearted and crushed physically and mentally. I slid along the walls like a thief, ashamed to look at the houses, the trees and the streets, which still remember me from those fortunate times when I used to stroll hopefully and happily, full of fantasies and dreams. I believed in the world in those days. I believed in humanity, and hoped for a better tomorrow when people and nations will live in mutual understanding, helping one another to build a more beautiful, better and more just world; when the words of the prophet that, "Swords will be turned into ploughshares and when the lion will lie down with the lamb" will come about. Unfortunately, all these hopes and dreams were torn asunder. I ran away from the city of my dreams disappointed and bitter, downtrodden and in pain, insulted and spat upon, because my eyes have seen so much of blood and tears, so much brutality and murder, so much despoilment and vileness. I left, never to return. I left for a new world, to a new continent, and to new unknown surprises in life.